Kick-Ass Ladies of Horror!

As a female horror fan, it can sometimes be difficult to find a character to look up to in the standard popcorn-horror fare. The main character may be a screaming shrew without an ounce of bravery, she may need to be perpetually saved by a big strong man, or she may exist solely to flash some boob to the male teenager in the crowd. Often, it’s an especially offensive combination of all three. For that reason, when a strong, independent, kick-ass female heroine dominates a horror movie, we tend to sit up and take notice. Sometimes they are a classic horror character, and occasionally they are women in a movie seen by only three people (that would be Jocelyn, Linnie, and some random fanboy in Secaucus.) So, to honor these empowering women during Women in Horror Month, J & L are going to list their favorites, while also pointing an angry finger at the “faux feminist horror heroine.” (We are looking at YOU Sidney Prescott!) If you feel so compelled, sound off in the comment section about your personal favorites.



Kick-Ass Ladies of Horror

1) Elizabeth Banks as Starla in Slither: "Bitch is hardcore" is right! Not only does Starla take the concept of "stand by your man" to an extraterrestrial level, but she is one bad-ass alien zombie killing babe!

2) Sigourney Weaver as Ripley in the Alien movie: Probably one of the first true bad-ass ladies of horror, Ripley doesn't just stand around waiting for someone to save her. Ripley kicks some serious alien ass while valiantly trying to protect her crew and, in Aliens, little girl Newt (a bad-ass chick in training). You don't get much more awesome than Ripley.

3) Heather Langenkamp as Nancy in Nightmare on Elm Street 1 & 3: Only a true bad-ass lady of horror could take on supernatural serial killer Freddy Krueger in multiple films. Nancy doesn't need her incompetent cop dad or her blood-geyser boyfriend to save her. She may not have an easy go of it, but no one else in the franchise ever kicked ass like the original Nancy Thompson.

4) Chloe Grace Moretz as Abby in Let Me In and Lina Leandersson as Eli in Let the Right One In: While the majority of remakes are pretty lame, both the original vampire girl and her American counterpart are undeniable badasses. In both films, not only are Abby and Eli blood-thirsty vampires with decades of experience encased in an unassuming little girl body, but they use their powers to protect their only friend from a boatload of school-age bullies. Abby and Eli are the model for a self-assured, empowered young woman... fangs or not.

Let the Right One In

Let Me In

5) Sarah Polley as Ana in Dawn of the Dead (2004 version): Sweet little soft-spoken heavy-lidded Canadian indie stalwart Sarah Polley kicks serious ass all over the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead and pulls together the usual ragtag bunch of misfits with aplomb. What makes this performance so great is the source. Who would have ever thought Sarah Polley would even BE in a movie like Dawn of the Dead, let alone do such a great job? Her additional entry in one more recent fave, Splice, made us even happier since we now imagine her to be a fellow Gore Loving Lady!

6) Noomi Rapace as Dr. Elizabeth Shaw in Prometheus: How many other woman could perform their own C-Section on an alien baby without being sedated? Really... I'm asking. Could you do it? I know I couldn't. Add to that the fact that she's a brilliant scientist, a space explorer, and outruns a crashing spaceship while stapled shut after said C-Section, and you have one badass lady of horror!

7) Rose McGowan as Cherry in Planet Terror: Machine. Gun. Leg. Enough said.

8) Kristen Connolly as Dana in Cabin in the Woods:

Q: So, why do you write these strong female characters?

Joss Whedon: Because you’re still asking me that question.

9) Milla Jovovich as Alice in the Resident Evil movies: Milla's ass-kicking lady in Resident Evil is much more enjoyable than Kate Beckinsale in Underworld because the Alice character has more of a glint of exasperated humor.  No matter which entry in the Resident Evil canon you're enjoying, you know that Milla is going to have at least a three fantastic (in both senses of the word) fight scenes, some skimpy apparel to satisfy the fanboys (and girls!) and do some eye-rolling while she throws a few pithy quotes at the Red Queen or whoever is standing in between her and freedom.

10) Kate Beckinsale as Selina in the Underworld movies: Across the series, Selina may get distracted by a hot werewolf/vampire hybrid dude, but she is a full-scale, four-alarm ass kicker. Selina takes on men, women, vampires, werewolves, & humans; basically anyone that gets in her way or threatens her in general. Not to mention she does all her ass-kicking in an insanely tight rubber suit. That's some serious bad-ass-ery.

11) Amanda Seyfried as Needy in Jennifer’s Body: While obviously the Jennifer character is the star of this movie, Needy is the badass that fights a succubus in hand-to-hand combat, survives, and then takes revenge on the mediocre band responsible for all of her troubles. She may not have gotten her name in the title, but Needy is really the kick-ass lady in this female empowerment film.

12) Ellen Page as Hayley in Hard Candy: Not only is Hayley clever and motivated, but she is a red-hooded super hero, ridding the world of sleaze balls and pedophiles one simulated castration at a time. Ellen Page's bad-ass pixie may blur the line between right and wrong; still, you can't help but root for this pint-sized ass-kicker.

13) Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes in Misery: She may be a nutbag, but you can't argue that Annie Wilkes doesn't know what she wants and then pursues it with gusto! How many other women could break a man's ankles just to ensure he stays put?

14) Toni Collette in anything: Toni Collette is definitely one of the better horror moms in recent history. Not only was she the loving single mother of a boy who could see dead people in The Sixth Sense, but she was also the kick-ass, loving single mother of a boy who could see vampires in the Fright Night remake. Collette has the supportive horror mom role down pat, and should be nominated for the role in all future horror films.

15) Jess Weixler as Dawn in Teeth: After being raped by her boyfriend, Dawn finds a personal power and inner strength that she never knew she had. She also finds out that she has a set of super-sharp hybrid mammal teeth in her vagina that strike back when she is angry or scared. After embracing the vagina dentata (subject of an old wives tale told by their mothers to scare their sons away from "loose" women), Dawn becomes an avenging, penis-munching (yes, we know that sounds disgusting) bad-ass lady and easily the Queen of the Kick-Ass Ladies of Horror. BOW DOWN TO THE VAG OF DOOM!

Lame-Ass Ladies of Horror

1) Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan in Twilight: Need we say more? We do? Ok. She's whiny, simpering, useless, submissive, lazy, melodramatic, obsessive, unpleasant, boring, and quite frankly, lamest of the lame. Not only is she a horrible role model for young girls, but also she could have her ass kicked by even the weakest woman on the Kick-Ass Ladies list. We won't jump on the Kristen Stewart bashing bandwagon because it's not her fault the character was poorly written. We will just say that if there were an award for the lamest female character in a horror series ever since the beginning of time, she would win hands down.

2) Angela Bettis as May in May (or any Lucky McKee movie): Linnie is going to write a post about Lucky McKee later, but for the time being, lets just say that the majority of women in his movies are the text book definition of faux feminist horror heroines.

3) Megan Fox as Jennifer in Jennifer’s Body: Let's just start off by pointing out that the whole reason the attempted satanic sacrifice of Jennifer turns her into a succubus is because she isn't "virgin" enough. Not to mention Jennifer indiscriminately eats men, deserving or not, ending with her best friend's boyfriend. She doesn't attack him to survive; she attacks out of plain-old cliche female jealousy. If less time had been spent making Jennifer a caricature of a mean girl and more time on making her truly bad-ass, then maybe she wouldn't have made the wrong end of this list.

4) Neve Campbell as Sidney in every Scream movie: A controversial choice to be sure, but when you look at Sidney's character across the entire Scream spectrum, she is the opposite of empowered. First, look at the reason Sidney is targeted through the films; she is being punished for the sins of her "whore" mother. This is bothersome for a plethora of reasons. Additionally, she may act angry, but realistically, Sidney spends the bulk of the movies running and screaming. Add to this that half of the strong or empowered women in the series end up being the villains, and you get a classic example of a faux feminist horror heroine.